I'm Slow.

I mean it. I’m painfully slow. You know? Learning?

Let me rewind. I started Dealer School two weeks ago. If you listened to my last podcast you heard about my plight at the current place in my business. But one thing I didn’t talk about was the lifestyle that the place of my business alots. Just enough money for me to binge drink and binge eat after work. The cycle has been this way since January 2015. An act I’ve been repeating over and over again with just enough money left over for the next paycheck. I have not been accruing any wealth. Nothing. No Memories. and battling sudden bouts of depression. So after one day of drinking and crying to the song of Somewhere over the rainbow. I had to make a change. and I had to hurry.

So I heard how much card dealers make. So I sent my application in, had an interview, and started the school, the week after.

So here is where the problems started.

The first week, I got really sick. I don’t know if I’ve every been more sick for so long. So I ended up mentally a week behind. But another problem I’m starting to realize. Is that, I’ll get it. I know I will. It will just take slightly more time than it should. So the people who learn quickly get impatient. And the trainers get impatient. It doesn’t even have to be a said word, or a sigh. It’s a feeling I get. I can feel it build. So along with my own impatience. I have this building feeling. They think I’m an idiot. They’re starting to hate me. They are ready to just kick me out. So these thoughts drown out any attempts for me to learn.

I’m not slow enough where it’s a mental handicap that cannot be mocked. It’s that I’m just quick enough with other things that it’s like people assume I have to be quick with math. Which I’m not. I have too much self doubt. I’ve had very few educators that understand that. It’s a skill that alot of people need to learn blocking their own thoughts when they are teaching someone.

Anyway. Gotta go. Keep ya updated.