I mean it. I’m painfully slow. You know? Learning?

Let me rewind. I started Dealer School two weeks ago. If you listened to my last podcast you heard about my plight at the current place in my business. But one thing I didn’t talk about was the lifestyle that the place of my business alots. Just enough money for me to binge drink and binge eat after work. The cycle has been this way since January 2015. An act I’ve been repeating over and over again with just enough money left over for the next paycheck. I have not been accruing any wealth. Nothing. No Memories. and battling sudden bouts of depression. So after one day of drinking and crying to the song of Somewhere over the rainbow. I had to make a change. and I had to hurry.

So I heard how much card dealers make. So I sent my application in, had an interview, and started the school, the week after.

So here is where the problems started.

The first week, I got really sick. I don’t know if I’ve every been more sick for so long. So I ended up mentally a week behind. But another problem I’m starting to realize. Is that, I’ll get it. I know I will. It will just take slightly more time than it should. So the people who learn quickly get impatient. And the trainers get impatient. It doesn’t even have to be a said word, or a sigh. It’s a feeling I get. I can feel it build. So along with my own impatience. I have this building feeling. They think I’m an idiot. They’re starting to hate me. They are ready to just kick me out. So these thoughts drown out any attempts for me to learn.

I’m not slow enough where it’s a mental handicap that cannot be mocked. It’s that I’m just quick enough with other things that it’s like people assume I have to be quick with math. Which I’m not. I have too much self doubt. I’ve had very few educators that understand that. It’s a skill that alot of people need to learn blocking their own thoughts when they are teaching someone.

Anyway. Gotta go. Keep ya updated.

The place that is the place of which I work gets it’s fair share of tweakers, drunks, and looneys. From the harmless to the bothersome, they come in and slink like no one is watching them. Most are and most have stories about them. There’s nothing you can do about them, but brush them off as something to talk about.

I’ve seen a few myself, just last month there was a looney outside pointing in directions rather rhythmically. As if he was directing traffic. The bell jingler from the salvation army was ignoring him rather deftly. I, on the other hand had to have a look at him and just watch as this bearded, Moses orchestrated silently, as if he were conducting everything in front of him. Directing the lady with her kids to stay as far away from him as possible.

One person at the place of my business saw a Crackhead peeing in the parking lot and another time a Drunkhead passed out in the loo and hit her head and bled all over the place. The Drunkhead lived as we all must of course.

I had a couple Methheads come in and dreamily talking about what I was doing and walk away, as if they were trying to be inconspicuous, which they were not to me.

Then again. I see these people. I make a note of them and put them into the library of my mind, for the dusty old man to retrieve it once in a while.

And so here we are. Payday, the day that makes going into a place where you pretend you’re everyone’s friend and everyone pretends you’re theirs. I’ve noticed that people who get paid more than I do really like to announce how I should be happy, “Because it’s Payday!”

REALLY? SHOULD I BE HAPPY I’M ONCE AGAIN ON THIS TIGHT ROPE WALK BETWEEN PAYING BILLS AND TRYING TO BUY SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS TIRED EXISTENCE MEANINGFUL? HOW EVERY TWO WEEKS I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF TO SAVE THIS PAYCHECK. FOLLOWED BY SO MANY BILLS THAT THE ONLY THING I CAN REALLY AFFORD TO ESCAPE IS BOOZE. OH YEAH! I’M THRILLED OVER THE NICKEL AND DIME LIFE WHERE I KEEP THE NICKEL AND YOU STEAL THE DIME! OH THANK GOD IT’S PAYDAY! MAYBE I CAN AFFORD A CAN OF FOSTERS YOU PRICK!

But I digress. I have decided to stay away from booze so that I can actually have a fiver after these two weeks are over. And whenever I do this, after a solid month of booze everynight, I don’t want to do anything. If it’s not drinking, I don’t want it. it’s strange how my mind works, but I am spinning my tires in the mud today. All I want is that raspberry and cherry flavor in my Merlot!

That’s all, This is my contractually obligated post.

ps-I posted a open mic set on my patreon. It’s five bucks. Also I am thinking about doing an extra podcast in the middle of the week and only making it for patreon subscribers. Something to think about.