Up until the last six months of working at the grocery store it was a comfortable life. I have the rotund belly to prove it. I worked eight to four, had health insurance, and vacation lined up. I was able to talk how I wanted. If I got angry, people understood it. I busted my ass, but I knew what I was doing. I was able to get people to help me. we were mostly able to work for a common goal.

The last six months was hell on Earth, but that’s a different post.

The day I got laid off, I went to a place that already had interviewed at and I got a job.

It’s a whole different environment. It’s overnights. I have no clue what I’m doing.

The Money is good though.

I only worked a few days before it closed due to covid precautions.

Well the impatients are getting ancy and looks like the place is going to open up again. so I’ve been trying to stay awake overnight and I have trouble. The moment I embark on the night, it wakes sort the childhood whininess that I have been trying to fend off since I left home. But I feel like something is taken away from me. It makes me wonder how long I can do these overnights.

Then again who knows how long it’s going to be open this time. Maybe I can make a few bucks to put away and find a simpler job.

Or maybe I’ll be plucked from obscurity by the hand of God

who knows.

I mean it. I’m painfully slow. You know? Learning?

Let me rewind. I started Dealer School two weeks ago. If you listened to my last podcast you heard about my plight at the current place in my business. But one thing I didn’t talk about was the lifestyle that the place of my business alots. Just enough money for me to binge drink and binge eat after work. The cycle has been this way since January 2015. An act I’ve been repeating over and over again with just enough money left over for the next paycheck. I have not been accruing any wealth. Nothing. No Memories. and battling sudden bouts of depression. So after one day of drinking and crying to the song of Somewhere over the rainbow. I had to make a change. and I had to hurry.

So I heard how much card dealers make. So I sent my application in, had an interview, and started the school, the week after.

So here is where the problems started.

The first week, I got really sick. I don’t know if I’ve every been more sick for so long. So I ended up mentally a week behind. But another problem I’m starting to realize. Is that, I’ll get it. I know I will. It will just take slightly more time than it should. So the people who learn quickly get impatient. And the trainers get impatient. It doesn’t even have to be a said word, or a sigh. It’s a feeling I get. I can feel it build. So along with my own impatience. I have this building feeling. They think I’m an idiot. They’re starting to hate me. They are ready to just kick me out. So these thoughts drown out any attempts for me to learn.

I’m not slow enough where it’s a mental handicap that cannot be mocked. It’s that I’m just quick enough with other things that it’s like people assume I have to be quick with math. Which I’m not. I have too much self doubt. I’ve had very few educators that understand that. It’s a skill that alot of people need to learn blocking their own thoughts when they are teaching someone.

Anyway. Gotta go. Keep ya updated.

The place that is the place of which I work gets it’s fair share of tweakers, drunks, and looneys. From the harmless to the bothersome, they come in and slink like no one is watching them. Most are and most have stories about them. There’s nothing you can do about them, but brush them off as something to talk about.

I’ve seen a few myself, just last month there was a looney outside pointing in directions rather rhythmically. As if he was directing traffic. The bell jingler from the salvation army was ignoring him rather deftly. I, on the other hand had to have a look at him and just watch as this bearded, Moses orchestrated silently, as if he were conducting everything in front of him. Directing the lady with her kids to stay as far away from him as possible.

One person at the place of my business saw a Crackhead peeing in the parking lot and another time a Drunkhead passed out in the loo and hit her head and bled all over the place. The Drunkhead lived as we all must of course.

I had a couple Methheads come in and dreamily talking about what I was doing and walk away, as if they were trying to be inconspicuous, which they were not to me.

Then again. I see these people. I make a note of them and put them into the library of my mind, for the dusty old man to retrieve it once in a while.