I haven'tbeen good lately. I haven't been good to myself or others. I've been short with undeserving people. Ive been paying service to food and drink that doesn't deserve my attention. I've been angry at things I can't help and lashing out because of things I can.

    I don't know if anyone can relate. But I am prone to falling into relationships in which I'm completely co-dependant on. In which I lose all autonomy into. It doesn't matter how much I  strain, how much I lose, how ever many years go by. As long as that relationship is fed. 

  You watch It use others, you make excuses for it. Because you're different. It needs you more than you need it. Yea it treats others poorly,but not you because you actually contribute and you've seen its weaknesses.

  So the years go by and you're no longer who you were. You've self medicated so much to get along with that relationship that you're not that funny happy kid. You're meaner. You're angrier. You're fatter. Your energy for things you like is gone to make room for your relationship. You even have fear and anxiety doing the fun things because it might take you away from that relationship.

  And It takes. Sure. Yea, It takes.

Until one day it takes too much. Just one taste too much and you see it for what it is. An overbearing and Uncaring energy that has been looking for someone poor sucker like you. It knows it has you by the balls. And the when it knows youve seen it for what it actually is. That relationship bears it's teeth and smiles with its eyes and dares you to walk out. It even opens the door for you. And you  almost feel it:freedom.

But instead you take another swig to sober you up and you sit down and distract youself for the next ten years.

Knowing this. Seeing this. Feeling this. Why am I still going back?

At that, the place of where I do my business, there’s these young kids (Around nineteen  ) started dating last spring. And the boy would follow the girl around like a puppy dog. My coworker and I both would make ignorant comments to each other about them. Which was none of our business, but it made us laugh and made the day pass. 

Well. The boy looked disheveled yesterday and My coworker informed me that the girl is now Facebook officially single. And I laughed louder thank I should have. Because I knew it was coming that boy is now a man. No longer seeing with puppy dog eyes. The girl later came in that night with her mudder and she was dressed to the nines. Because that is what happens and I’m a guy in my early thirties still disheveled.  

A boy has to go through that. You can look at it with the anxiety of a mother taking her baby to get her vaccinations, the fear of her baby being in pain. Or you could cuff them on the chin and tell them they did what they could. Try again big shot.  

But my laugh was stupidly loud. The man didn’t hear me. But this morning I thought about my own bitterness and anxiety. I think I’ve never had real closure on my ex cheating on me in my early twenties. And now being alone I know I’ve never gotten over how much it drove me into the dirt. And now too much time has passed and too much has happened that I can’t ever get closer on it.  

So when I laugh at break ups or mock a new relationship. It’s because of my own fear. Its like if I hear about a parachutist dying I can tell myself that is why I don’t take risks and I’m vindicated until the next incident. 

Or maybe I’m just an asshole.  

Take care

-E-