Posts tagged Alcohol
"Maybe the problems simply co-dependancyyyyyyyy"

I haven'tbeen good lately. I haven't been good to myself or others. I've been short with undeserving people. Ive been paying service to food and drink that doesn't deserve my attention. I've been angry at things I can't help and lashing out because of things I can.

    I don't know if anyone can relate. But I am prone to falling into relationships in which I'm completely co-dependant on. In which I lose all autonomy into. It doesn't matter how much I  strain, how much I lose, how ever many years go by. As long as that relationship is fed. 

  You watch It use others, you make excuses for it. Because you're different. It needs you more than you need it. Yea it treats others poorly,but not you because you actually contribute and you've seen its weaknesses.

  So the years go by and you're no longer who you were. You've self medicated so much to get along with that relationship that you're not that funny happy kid. You're meaner. You're angrier. You're fatter. Your energy for things you like is gone to make room for your relationship. You even have fear and anxiety doing the fun things because it might take you away from that relationship.

  And It takes. Sure. Yea, It takes.

Until one day it takes too much. Just one taste too much and you see it for what it is. An overbearing and Uncaring energy that has been looking for someone poor sucker like you. It knows it has you by the balls. And the when it knows youve seen it for what it actually is. That relationship bears it's teeth and smiles with its eyes and dares you to walk out. It even opens the door for you. And you  almost feel it:freedom.

But instead you take another swig to sober you up and you sit down and distract youself for the next ten years.

Knowing this. Seeing this. Feeling this. Why am I still going back?

To podcast or not to podcast?

It's still morning. Debating whether I should eat. Or not. It's a conundrum for sure. But there are worse conundrums. Bit we have another conundrum to speak of after I get off work

The wind chill in this, the place of where I live is going to be in the negative twenties. I am not going out. But most likely will be drinking. That's to be sure. The drinking bugs days are numbered I feel.  

I need to produce a podcast. That means fighting with a slow computer. I've failed you all on a Halloween podcast and a Christmas podcast. I can't fail you on a rockin' new years eve podcast. You don't deserve that. I may need a gargantuan to help me get that going. I will be taking applications.  

Anyway be good. Have fun. Don't be stupid.  

Take care

-E-  

 

Dead Deers and somber thoughts

There was this Deer who lived by my apartment who spent all spring and summer watching me. Not running. Just defiantly staring at me as if it had only a fight response ready in case I wanted to rumble. U did not wish to rumble so I kept my distance.  

That deer was hit by a car over the weekend. It made me sad. Maybe not for the Deers passing. But what it symbolizes in my mind. This adult deer spent all year being afraid of me. Daring me to test it. When I wasn't the one to be afraid of. It was the river of screaming metal it should have been afraid of.  

It makes me realize my own fears. Fear of failure, fear of unconditional love, fear of making new friends, fear of taking risks, and so many other fears(I want to label them as paralizations but I will refrain). These fears cause me to freeze mentally and leave my body as rigid as a guitar string, when I should be afraid of the isolation I cause myself, fear of the alcohol I Introduce into my body, and the fatty grease I consume. It's just as backwards as that deer being afraid of me and not the thunderous screaming river she so readily crossed.  

How's that?  I have more thoughts. I'll tell you tomorrow.  

Take care

-E-