I haven'tbeen good lately. I haven't been good to myself or others. I've been short with undeserving people. Ive been paying service to food and drink that doesn't deserve my attention. I've been angry at things I can't help and lashing out because of things I can.
I don't know if anyone can relate. But I am prone to falling into relationships in which I'm completely co-dependant on. In which I lose all autonomy into. It doesn't matter how much I strain, how much I lose, how ever many years go by. As long as that relationship is fed.
You watch It use others, you make excuses for it. Because you're different. It needs you more than you need it. Yea it treats others poorly,but not you because you actually contribute and you've seen its weaknesses.
So the years go by and you're no longer who you were. You've self medicated so much to get along with that relationship that you're not that funny happy kid. You're meaner. You're angrier. You're fatter. Your energy for things you like is gone to make room for your relationship. You even have fear and anxiety doing the fun things because it might take you away from that relationship.
And It takes. Sure. Yea, It takes.
Until one day it takes too much. Just one taste too much and you see it for what it is. An overbearing and Uncaring energy that has been looking for someone poor sucker like you. It knows it has you by the balls. And the when it knows youve seen it for what it actually is. That relationship bears it's teeth and smiles with its eyes and dares you to walk out. It even opens the door for you. And you almost feel it:freedom.
But instead you take another swig to sober you up and you sit down and distract youself for the next ten years.
Knowing this. Seeing this. Feeling this. Why am I still going back?
